From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first (Jan 9th 2013- my husband's birthday), I was immediately filled with joy, excitement and love. This is something I have always wanted. Ever since I was litte, I dreamed of becoming a wife and then a mommy. I knew when I met Zach that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and eventually build a family with.
With all this happiness came even more anxiety and fear. I was terrified. I never thought about it before. I never realized how scary it is to grow a baby inside you and be responsible for everything that happens to them. I was deathly afraid of miscarriage or something going wrong with my pregnancy. I had many many MANY sleepless nights full of worry and anxiety. Looking back, I don't know why I didn't talk to my doctor about my fears. WHY did I let myself feel that way- AND to make it worse, stress and anxiety isn't good for your baby... so what did I do more, stress more about being stressed. It didn't help that I wasn't working and had nothing to occupy my time. God came to my rescue when I recieved my first full time "big girl" job after graduating with my Master's. This was huge for me! It gave me something else to concentrate on and took a lot of stress of the baby off my back.
Like I said, from the very beginning I was terrified something was going to go wrong with my baby. I didn't know what it was... I wasn't sure what to think... but I just knew deep down in my heart something was not going to be right. I have the strangest gut feelings sometimes and I have always learned to listen to them- because it's usually always right. I went through my whole pregnancy without any complications. I acutally was very active the whole time, working full time and remodeling our new home with my hubby/family.
Little did I know that my "gut" instincts were right all along. It wasn't apparent during my pregnancy, or even after my baby was born. It wasn't until he was 4 days old that we learned he had a very rare birth defect known as malrotation. When I first realized what was happening- I was angry, terrified, heartbroken... I still remember the feeling I had in my stomach and heart- you know, that feeling like my heart was literally breaking inside my chest. I never knew I could feel that much pain before. My stomach was in knots. I thought I was going to drop to the floor right there and just stop- not move- not be able to function. I couldn't believe it. I was so angry- but, why? Because I felt like I was lied to. I kept hearing how beautiful, perfect, and healthy my son was- and he was! The doctors and nurses didn't know- they wouldn't unless they had x-ray vision. But I was still angry. Why ME? Why out of 500 births, my son is the one born with this defect? Not only that, he was a rare case due to the number of twists he had (two).
I can't even begin to explain how I felt for the two excruciating weeks we spent in the NICU. First of all, I was a new mom just recovering from giving birth- and I spend the first 3 weeks of my son's life in the hospital sleeping on a recliner. That's not how I imagined it would be. I thought I would be at home cuddling my new born son and my husband. When I did go home (to shower, change...maybe take a nap) I felt as though I couldn't be there- not without my baby. I had his stuff laying around the entire house and all I could think about was whether or not he was coming home to use it. The worst part was- I couldn't even hold him. He was in a incubator for the first week and then when he was out, he had a wound on his belly and a thousand wires attached to him. It was so scary to pick him up and hold him with all that attached to him. I felt as though I was hurting him. I sat and stared at my baby for two weeks. Watching him sleep.
The worst part while in the NICU was the unknown... I hate the unknown. They never told me how long we would be there, they never told me for sure that I would be walking out of the hospital with my son when this is all over. Does that mean he may not survive? Of course I thought this way... only the worst was running through my head. Talk about severe post-partum depression. His wound scared me the most.. it kept opening up bigger and bigger. One nurse/doctor would say it's normal and the next would say it's not. What do I believe? I loved the staff and the hospital (Dayton Children's) where we stayed- they really were all great. But it was the worst experience I have ever had in my entire life. There was no privacy.. nowhere to sleep. At the hospital where I delivered- each baby in the NICU had their own room. This was not the case for us. My poor husband would sleep in a chair at night and go to work the next morning because they didn't have enough recliners.
The day we left the NICU, I felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders. I finally felt like I had my baby back. He still had his wound that we would continue to do dressing changes on for the next month- but that was nothing compared to what we had already been through.
I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that I would not have been able to get through this experience if it wasn't for my husband. He is my rock. I was so weak and he lifted me up. He knows that I just fall apart in situations like this and he was there for me every second. I am seriously lucky to have married such an incredible man. I also had the most amazing support from my family. We would have somebody by Zane's side every second and we had never ending prayers. It took me awhile to talk to anybody about what I was experiencing. Zach finally told me it may be a good idea to inform my boss of our situation and confide in my friends. It took me a week to do this. I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. I don't know why I didn't really want anyone to know. Now, I wish I would have asked for support at the very beginning.
At the beginning of January, we had an ultrasound with our doctor for our second baby (Nash Edward James). It was our "gender reveal" ultrasound (however, we obviously already knew the gender). I went to it on my own for several reasons- 1. We already knew we were having a boy, so no surprise there 2. it was in the middle of the day when my husband was working and can't take off 3. I figured it was just routine and would be short and sweet. They obviously look at several other things during the ultrasound to make sure everything is going well. The first thing she looked at was his head. I saw something white in one of his brain hemispheres. I knew it wasn't supposed to be there- but the tech didn't say anything to me and continued with the rest of the ultrasound. At the very end she brought it up.
She said it was a cyst in the left hemisphere of his brain. Immediately, I started to panic. She told me that they are relatively common... but she was going to send me to a specialist to get it looked at further. My heart dropped. I thought for sure I was going to have a healthy/normal pregnancy with this baby. I felt so much better and less stressed/anxious. I have been doing all of the right things.. For goodness sake, I even started taking prenatals a month before we even started trying to get pregnant so I knew my body was ready and healthy to carry a baby.WHY is this happening AGAIN?!?! When I talked to the doctor, he said 99% of the time these things go away on their own, but to be sure we will go see the specialist. I know 99% is a lot... But after what I went through with my first kid- I have NO DOUBT in my mind that I can be the 1% where something goes wrong. Zane was 1/500 kids (from what the internet says) to get malrotation and even more rare was his # of twists. The 99% thing does not help me.
If you know me at all- you know I have severe anxiety (especially if it deals with my kids). After I had Zane and that experience with him- my anxiety has been through the roof. My doctor told me he would call the specialist and they would call me for an appointement. WHAT?!?! I have to wait?? I was freaking out. Now, I'm just going to think about this all day, every day. The next day- no call. The day after that- I had my husband call my doctor. They gave us the number to the specialist. Zach called- they said they would call us back. hours went by- no call. I asked Zach to call again (I wasn't making the calls because I was too anxious). They said they wouldn't get to my file to schedule anything until Monday (and it was Friday at this time). Zach told the lady it would greatly ease our minds if we could get in asap. She ended up scheduling us for that coming Wednesday (I guess they had someone cancel an appointment). We jumped on it. Now... I'm just waiting... waiting to see if I am going to have to face something very difficult or nothing at all. All I can do is pray. Pray that God helps me get through whatever it is that I am going to face.
When we went to our appointment (on wednesday 1/14), I was a nervous wreck. I felt myself getting anxious in the waiting room. When they called us back and I sat on the bed, I started to have a full blown anxiety attack. During the sonogram, it was confirmed that he has a cyst in one hemisphere of his brain. But, not only that... they also discovered that he has a hole in his heart. Here I am- thinking I am going to get some answers today and all they ended up telling us was more things wrong. The cyst in the head and the hole in the heart are both relatively common things that can happen. BUT, the two of them happening together could mean several things. Most likely, a genetic disorder. The doctor asked us whether we wanted to do a blood draw to test for the top 15 most common genetic disorders, or if we wanted to do an amnio (where they stick a needle in my belly to remove the amniotic fluid around the baby to test). The amnio causes risk of loosing the baby. We thought about both options for a long time, but eventually decided on the blood draw in order to protect our baby as much as possible. We don't get these results for 7-10 business days... more waiting. Because of the hole in his heart, the doctor wanted us to go to Cincinnati children's for an echocardiogram. And because of the cyst, they want us to get an MRI done on the baby. Wait a second.. I thought I was coming to you for some answers... and now I am being sent every which way to have more testing done (and more anxiety attacks). At the end of this appointment- my stomach literally hurt. They poked at me and performed two sonograms (each lasting about 20-30 mins). My stomach was in pain.. and I could tell my baby wasn't happy about it either. It just wasn't fair.
On Thursday, (1/15) we had our echocardiogram appointment in Cincy. Zach couldn't afford to take the day off work again so luckily I had my mom and one of my amazing aunts take me. I needed the support and their peace of mind. We prayed as we left and knew in our hearts God would be there with us during this time. Again, I had another sonogram, and again- my belly just really hurt from all the pressure they put on it. When the doctor came in to talk to us they actually had answers and good news! He does have a hole in his heart. It is small (from what they can see) and it is in an area that should heal on it's own (whether it's while he is still in the womb or during the first year of life). After he is born, he will need to be monitored and everything, but this should not be anything huge. They also said he wouldn't need surgery. FINALLY some relief! I felt as though I could breathe.
During this appointment, I just fell in love with my little Nash even more. I feel extremely close to this baby for many reasons. I have seen him a total of 6 times (more to come) in ultrasounds and he is just the sweetest, cutest, little baby boy. During this echocardiogram in particular, I saw every little spinal bone and I have seen every little inch of this baby's body/bone structure. How amazing. Technology is amazing (but also not my friend- sometimes too much technology is a bad thing.. especially for me). Every time I see him, I can't help but think that my husband and I, our love, and God's love, made this little angel. I just pray he is healthy. My cousin sent me a text the morning of our echo appt and said this... "Psalm 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in the mother's womb." Nash is fearfully and wonderfully made". What a perfect and amazing scripture to read at that exact moment. And it will forever be inbedded in my heart.
I chose to reach out to my family and friends much earlier with this news than with Zane. Why? Because I needed the support and the prayers. I wasn't going to hide my feelings like I did before. I want everyone praying for my baby because he is so incredibly loved- even though he isn't born yet. This baby is blessed to say the least. He has numerous churches in numerous states praying for him, our family and friends... The power of prayer is strong and I know God is hearing us all. We still ahve a long way to go.. We haven't heard back about our genetic testing and we still haven't even scheduled our MRI yet.. BUT, I have faith in God. Deep down, I feel as though Nash will be a healthy baby boy, but these tests make it hard to feel that way. One day at a time.. We can get through this- and we will.
** I wrote the previous post a month ago... I needed to get all of these thoughts and feelings out. A lot of time has passed. A month basically. Since then, we received our results from the genetic testing. Nash is NEGATIVE for the top 15 most common genetic disorders!! Another prayer answered by God. We made it through the first two hurdles and then we were waiting for our MRI to be done.
I went to Dayton Children's for out MRI on 2/10. I have never had an MRI done before and hope I NEVER have to have one again. I am severely claustrophobic and freaked out. They had me lay down, put all kinds of stuff around my baby bump, put blankets on me to keep me warm, and also gave me the option of watching a movie through goggles with headphones. I think it was the goggles and headphones that were too much for me. When they started putting me into the machine, I started to panic. Once they got the goggles and headphones off though, I was fine... 30 mins later, all done and I never wanted to have to do that again.
On 2/13 I got a call from my OB saying that my MRI test results came back and everything looks great. I have a healthy baby, just with some little imperfections here and there- but that doesn't bother me. All I need to know is that my baby is safe and healthy and still growing for the next few months. I began to cry tears of joy (finally) when he called.. I ran into my husbands arms and we just hugged. Ugh, it felt so great. Relief, happiness, love, just pure joy.
Thank you to all of our family and friends who have been there for us over the past month. It wasn't easy, but was easier with the love and support from those around us. We are incredibly blessed and are grateful every day. Now, I just want to completely enjoy and relax the rest of my pregnancy. Enjoy time with just my husband and son until we have our second little bundle of joy arrive.
